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The Poison Pinup

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/\/\/\One Minute Too Long/\/\ [23 Jan 2006|08:09pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

Sometimes it bothers me to think about how when we hug, you never can tell how much of a hug I need because you're so busy with what you need.

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Cold And Bitter/\/\/\ [14 Dec 2005|12:12pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

I don't know if I'll make it out of this winter alive...

2 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\The Disposable Friendships Are The Most Painful/\/\/\ [01 Oct 2005|06:14pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

You threw it all away the second you put the straw up your nose.



You've ruined everything...



and the world will burn for it.

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Happy Birthday/\/\/\ [30 Sep 2005|11:06am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

You forgot.

For someone who always has shitty birthdays, you think you would have remembered.

Well, mine was shitty.

Thanks.

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Zzz/\/\/\ [10 Sep 2005|06:03pm]
[ mood | full ]

Party Poker takes forever to load.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Someone/\/\/\ [06 Sep 2005|09:54pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

Someone has to be the one that no one would ever want.

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\The Past Is Just A Blueprint/\/\/\ [04 Sep 2005|10:02am]
[ mood | awake ]

Yesterday, I started talking to a guy I went to camp with back in ninth grade. My how time sorts things.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Just So I Don't Do Anything Stupid/\/\/\ [11 Aug 2005|10:54pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

[x] I am bisexual or homosexual.
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[] I've run away from home
[] I collect comic books.
[x] I shut others out when I'm sad.
[] open up to others easily
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world
[x] I watch the news
[x] I own over 5 rap CDs
[] I own an ipod or mp3 player
[x] I own something from Hot Topic
[x] I love Disney movies.
[x] I am a sucker for hair/eyes
[x] I don't kill bugs.
[x] I curse regularly.
[x] I paid for that cell phone ringtone.
[] I have "x"s in my screen name.
[] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.
[] I love Spam
[x] I cook well
[x] I would wear pajamas to school
[] I own something from Abercrombie.
[x] I have a job
[x] I am in love with love.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS...
[x] sometimes I am self conscious.
[x] I love to laugh.
[] I smoke a pack a day.
[] I loved Go Ask Alice.
[] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.
[x] I can't swallow pills.
[] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I have many scars
[x] I've been out of this country
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[x] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room
[x] I am really ticklish.
[] I see a therapist.
[x] I love chocolate
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I am comfortable with being me.
[x] I play computer games/video games when i'm bored.
[x] Gotten lost in your city.
[x] Saw a shooting star
[x] Been to any other countries
[] I Had a serious Surgery...
[x] Gone out in public in your pajamas...
[x] I have Kissed a Stranger
[x] Hugged a stranger
[x] Been in a fist fight
[x] Been arrested
[x] Laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose.
[x] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[x] Made out in an elevator
[x] Swore at your parents.
[x] Kicked a guy where it hurts
[] Been skydiving
[x] Broken a bone
[x] Played spin the bottle.
[x] Gotten stitches
[] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour
[x] Bitten someone
[] Been to Niagara Falls
[x] Gotten the chicken pox
[x] Crashed into a friend's car .
[] Been to Japan
[x] Ridden in a taxi
[x] Shoplifted
[] Been fired
[x] Had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
[x] Stole something from your job...(pens, paperclips, etc)
[] Got it on, on a blind date
[x] Lied to a friend
[x] Had a crush on a teacher.
[] Celebrated mardi gras in New Orleans
[] Been to Europe
[] Slept with a co-worker
[x] Saw someone dying.
[x] Driven over 400 miles in one day
[x] Been to Canada
[x] Been on a plane
[x] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
[] Thrown up in a bar
[x] Eaten Sushi.
[] Been snowboarding
[x] Been Skiing
[x] Been ice skating
[x] Met someone in person from the internet
[] Been to a moto cross show
[x] been to a college/JC
[x] Done hard drugs
[] Taken painkillers
[x] Had someone cheat on you
[x] Cheated on someone else.
[x] Were so bored you took this survey

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Ache/\/\/\ [11 Aug 2005|10:48pm]
[ mood | sick ]

I want it so bad it aches.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\So Sad/\/\/\ [03 Aug 2005|11:09am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Katie died Saturday night. I think the worst part is that no one really cared. Only two of my friends really made an effort to talk to me and help me through it.

Holding a dying animal in your hands is quite an experience. Knowing that you're its only hope yet feeling so helpless at the same time is demanding.

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\This Is What It Comes Down To/\/\/\ [24 Jul 2005|02:30pm]
[ mood | determined ]

I can't do this anymore. I can't sit back and pretend like everything is fine. I refuse to continue to compromise myself for other people.

It's become clear to me that I truly have no friends here except James and Mike. No one who wants to help me or listen. No one who understands or cares. No one.

I'm over people who say they want to be there for me and then talk about me behind my back.

I'm over people who complain about drama, then gossip and spread lies about things they didn't even bother asking me about first.

I'm over people who say they want to see me happy, then insult and hurt me when I finally start taking actions to make myself happy.

I'm over it. All of it.

Anyone who cares enough to give me the respect I deserve as a person who has feelings will come back to me. But I refuse to keep putting myself out there. I refuse to be understanding about people who continually hurt me.

If you care about me, you won't keep hurting me and it really is that simple.

Your move.

4 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\The Pressure Is On/\/\/\ [22 Jul 2005|01:39pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

Megan needs a roommate in Charleston. Jacob is moving in with his new girlfriend in Charleston. I had a nightmare last night that I followed him to a soccer camp and tried getting him back. I left him letters in different places that he found and read, but I woke up before he could tell me how he felt. And now this.

My dreams have always done this, but now I'm so lost. Do I stay or go? Do I finally get the escape from here that I've wanted for a while only to discover that I might not actually want to leave? Could I stand seeing Jacob and her together? Or would I be able to spend time with him and slowly get him back?

I don't know. I don't want to compromise what I have here for Jacob, but at the same time, I can't help but feel like I might regret not going.

If a person is already torn in half, they should be able to go two directions...

2 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Took Forever/\/\/\ [22 Jul 2005|11:56am]
[ mood | crappy ]

Yeah I know... I suck.

Time for a news list! (Quick and safe)

Suspended from school
Appealed suspension
Still suspended for a year
Impossible to contact college
Not talking to Jon
Torn between friends
Thinking about becoming a lesbian
Still wouldn't help anything
Life sucks right now because one of the things that makes me happy isn't supposed to right now

Blah.

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Regret/\/\/\ [14 May 2005|03:59pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

New coats of paint cannot reacquiant broken hearts to broken homes.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Blah/\/\/\ [12 May 2005|01:54pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

In the library.
Fucked up.
Failed Shakespeare.
Bored.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Let The Funeral Start/\/\/\ [05 May 2005|05:09pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Fuck. Here it goes. No looking back. An honesty post.

I want to take a razorblade and blindly slash at myself. Anywhere and everywhere. I want people to finally notice that I'm bleeding. Every step I take on this campus is carefully controlled and managed so I don't fall apart or take off running to some unknown location where nothing would dare follow me for fear that I would swallow it whole when it reached me.

Everything hurts. In every joy I take the time to appreciate, there is sorrow. I'm being betrayed by people who used to hold me while I cried and I love the wrong people.

I should be working on myself. I'm not.

I'm hurting people more by trying to not hurt them. I just care too fucking much.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to turn out all the lights and curl up under my covers and hibernate. Sleep away everything.

School is done. I can't do any work and I'm fucking everything up.

I need people. I need someone, anyone to reach out for me. Someone to clasp their hands around my wrist and pull me up out of the water. As much as I'd like to, I can't do this by myself. And even worse, I hate admitting it.

When Jacob left me, everything came crashing down. No one was there for me. Who was there when I was hanging from my closet? When I was curled up on the shower floor screaming and crying, holding the razorblade? When I was carving my faults out in neat little white rows? No one.

I just realized something. When was the last time anyone who considers themselves close to me has asked me how I am and genuinely tried to make the time to listen?

Yeah, I'm being selfish. But it can't be all me, can it? How can I alone be creating the illusion that everyone is simply too busy with their own lives to notice my hurt?

I need someone to sit down with me and say, "Tell me everything, show me your scars."

I hate being afraid to let people in. I hate feeling like I'm burdening someone else with my problems. I don't want to deal with them myself, so how could I possibly expect someone else to help me? But I need the help of friends and this is the only time you'll ever see me ask for it...



when I know no one's listening.

You said you hate my suffering
And you understood
And you'd take care of me
You'd always be there
Well where are you now?

5 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\You Tear And Tear Your Hair From Roots/\/\/\ [05 May 2005|04:35pm]
[ mood | calm ]

You have no idea. All it took was you coming over after class, climbing my porch. Holding me for a moment. I had the blade on the bed. I had the area all ready. About to drag the razor, and you knocked.



Thank you.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Oh Jesus/\/\/\ [27 Apr 2005|07:40pm]
[ mood | high ]

I just realized how horribly apathetic I'm becoming. The worst part? I don't even care.

I don't care enough to change it or put any effort into anything. I'm just sick of everything. Sick of school, responsibility, decisions.

Something tells me I'm falling again.



And that it's not gonna be good.

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Disturbed/\/\/\ [27 Apr 2005|10:45am]
[ mood | cold ]

Everything needs to stop spinning.



Immediately.



I know it will.



Let's just hope the jolt doesn't knock me over...

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Days/\/\/\ [26 Apr 2005|01:16pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

So much drama

So many decisions

So many days

I wish I could forget

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Fuck/\/\/\ [26 Apr 2005|09:20am]
[ mood | confused ]

I love you

and

I love you

I just don't love me.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Read This Victor Style From The Rules Of Attraction/\/\/\ [25 Apr 2005|12:10pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Saturday...

Passed out at 7:30 am from blowing rails all night and staying up to smoke at dawn on my porch. Woke up at around 11 am. Decided to go to Gatlinburg. Did some lines and jumped in the car. Drove through rainy mountains that were so vivid a green I'd swear they were colored with crayons. Stopped a bunch to look at waterfalls that I wanted to jump from, even though it was 10 degrees out and I was wearing sandals. Got to Gatlinburg and bought some chocolate cherries and raspberry things. Saw a cheese store and craved swiss, so we went in. Turns out they didn't have good swiss, so we got the oldest cheese there...8 year-old cheddar. Thinking about it, Liz was 10 when it was made. It was so strong it made Jon's entire bag reek of cheese. Wandered into an arcade where Liz and I got our auras read together. They were strangely accurate for a gypsy with no eyes. The closest thing Liz and I could find to House of the Dead was Virtual Hunting. Managed to kill 2 illegal animals in about 40 seconds and wasn't allowed to play again until I gave more money. Didn't want to pay to shoot more does, so we left. Typing now, I can't read my shorthand but apparently "gb" happened. Found a vintage tray from the 60s that said, "Coke is the most refreshing" but it was $40. Saw a 3D movie theater and realized we weren't nearly stoned enough to watch a movie. Crossed the street and headed to the closest place to smoke which we realized after the fact, was a hotel named "Smokeyland". Tore through a bowl on a ramp near a storage door, but got freaked out when we heard people talking and left. Only 5s on a 1-10 but decided it was good enough and went to the theater where we could watch 2 movies for $10. Took 10 minutes to pick out a motion ride, but only 10 seconds to pick a 3D movie. Went on the rollercoaster motion ride first, where there were no seat belts. Looked over the first fall and jumped to a 9. Practically started to cry and laugh at the same time. Jon was screaming because he could have sworn he was holding on for dear life as the car turned on its side in the air and we all crashed on top of him, knocking him into the door. Got off the ride and wondered if we were too stoned to notice if their were seatbelts. Went into the "Alice in Wonderland" movie that they advertised as a picture of brightly colored friendly mushrooms and lovable bears. Sat down and archways started exploding and collapsing. Attacked by bees which might have been friendly minus the weed. Fell down a rabbit hole and navigated through a dungeon where nails were flying out of the walls shooting us. Navigated as slowly as possible across a room where axes were hanging from the ceiling moving in a pendulum motion. Liz kept jumping in her chair...we were way too stoned for axes. Finally got out of the dungeon and were shrunk by a giant thing that kept trying to step on us. Made it to the mushroom land they advertised, which actually creeped me out worse than the dungeon. Ended abruptly and there were no lights. Tripped over chairs trying to get out. Found a guy who was willing to make Liz and I hats that said "Disco Fries" in hot pink and brown. Found a photo booth that was so old-school that it started taking pictures right when you finished putting the money in. Didn't figure it out until 3 out of 4 pictures were taken. Hungry. Ate at a restaurant so bad, I nearly hurled in their bathroom. Started driving in the wrong direction accidentally and ended up in North Carolina 2 hours later. Snowing horribly. Made it back to school. Felt sick but decided to have a party anyway. Got some alcohol. Whitney. Megan. Kurtis. Jon. Liz. Me. Shelly. Steph. Stephanie. Bobby. Stephen. Did some blow using the shadiest methods ever. Rules of Attraction. People wandering, drinking, smoking, leaving. So tired. 1:30 am. Stephen texts and wants a g. Hell, we've got 3. Go to his apartment and blow rails that measure from the base of my palm to the tip of my middle finger. Decide to leave at 6, but Stephen has pot. Smoke to come down, but I freak out. I think I hit it the most. Get back on campus and can't even function. Get in my room and start to pass out. Sit down. Blankets. Water. I don't know. Tingling at the base of my skull. Want to be self-reliant, but have no energy. So cold. Go to the bathroom in the shower steam. Want to take a shower. Get in, sit down, zone out. My thighs are covered in blue patterns of bruises and my fingers and toes are turning purple as the blood can't circulate back through my limbs. Don't want to pass out and drown, so I stand up and wash. Get out and get dressed. Get in bed to calm down and sleep, but I can't. Start twitching and shaking. Twitching and shaking. Jon feels my pulse. Apparently I'm running while laying down. Thoughts keep flying by and I can't hold onto them, like water. Sometimes thoughts will stop and I'll just stare at the bed. I'm so cold. Jon says my palms are warm but my fingers are cold, even though they're under a flannel blanket. Tries to put socks on me, but I can't help him. I have no energy and can't even reach out for the glass of water that will probably save me from being completely dehydrated. Pass out without dreams and don't wake up until 3:30 pm. Go to a Thai place and eat so much we become complacent. Get back to the room and pass out. Wake up at 7:30 and wonder if it's tomorrow. Jon leaves. Pass out again and wake up 12 hours later. Class at 9. Hungry. Drained.

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Please Comment/\/\/\ [24 Apr 2005|04:10pm]
[ mood | curious ]

So yeah...I'm gonna post this waaaayyyyyyy in advance so it stays on the top of my journal for a while.

Post a comment (or comments) anonymously saying anything you want about yourself...your darkest secret, your dreams, fears. Anything about your life. I don't care if I know you personally or not...

Sometimes it helps to let it out.

5 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Love Me/\/\/\ [21 Apr 2005|03:38pm]
[ mood | bored ]

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF:

I said I liked you?
I kissed you?
I lived next door to you?
I stole something?
I was hospitalized?
I ran away from home?
I died?
I got into a fight and you weren't there?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY:
Personality?
Eyes?
Face?
Hair?
Clothes?
Mannerisms?
Family?
Sense of Humor?

WOULD YOU:
Be my friend?
Have sex with me?
Lie to make me feel better?
Spread rumors about me?
Keep a secret if I told you one?
Loan me some cash?
Hold my hand?
Take a bullet for me?
Keep in touch?
Try and solve my problems?
Love me?
Date me?

2 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Just A Touch, It's Not Enough/\/\/\ [20 Apr 2005|06:27pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Once there was a girl who could only come to Smashing Pumpkins songs, even though she couldn't stand Billy Corgan. He never understood her and always turned down the music.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Happenings/\/\/\ [19 Apr 2005|02:33pm]
[ mood | relaxed ]

I hate the melodramatic bullshit people insist on feeding themselves so that they feel better about having no self-esteem. It doesn't make you look good and it doesn't make people feel sorry for you...it just makes you look unappreciative and whiny emo, so drop it.

Jon has stitches in his head. Not too many...8 or 9, but I still had a heart attack when his friend Fred called me and said I needed to get a friend and drive to Oneida to pick Jon up.

Blowing off class in order to have adventures is fun.

Think I'm gonna go to Barlett and get a number for room drawings now.

Fun fun.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Bush Sucks/\/\/\ [15 Apr 2005|12:45pm]
[ mood | devious ]

Hi! My name's George W. Bush. Here's a little something about me...

1. I attacked and took over two countries.
2. I spent the US surplus and bankrupted the US treasury.
3. I shattered the record for the biggest annual deficit in history (not easy).
4. I set an economic record for the most personal bankruptcies filed in any 12 month period.
5. I set all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
6. I am the first president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
7. I am the first president in US history to enter office with a criminal record.
8. In my first year in office I set the all-time record for the most days on vacation by any president in US history (tough to beat my dad's, but I did).
9. After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, I presided over the worst security failure in US history.
10. I set the record for most campaign raising trips by any president in US history.
11. In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their jobs.
12. I cut unemployment benefits for more out-of-work Americans than any other president in US history.
13. I set the all-time record for most real estate foreclosures in a 12-month period.
14. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any other president in US history.
15. I set the record for fewest press conferences of any president since the advent of TV.
16. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in US history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
17. I signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any other US president in history.
18. I cut health-care benefits for war veterans.
19. I set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any one person in the history of mankind.
20. I dissolved more international treaties than any president in US history.
21. I've made my presidency the most secretive and unaccountable of any in US history.
22. Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in US history (the poorest multimillionaire, Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her).
23. I am the first president in US history to have all 50 states of the union simultaneously struggle against bankruptcy.
24. I presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud in any market in any country in the history of the world.
25. I am the first president in US history to order a US attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation, and I did so against the will of the United Nations and the vast majority of the international community.
26. I have created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the US.
27. I set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any other president in US history (Reagan was hard to beat, but I did it!!!).
28. I am the first president in US history to compel the United Nations to remove the US from the Human Rights Commission.
29. I am the first president in US history to have the United Nations remove the US from the Elections Monitoring Board.
30. I removed more checks and balances and have the least congressional oversight of any presidential administration in US history.
31. I rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
32. I withdrew from the World Court Of Law.
33. I refused to allow inspectors access to US prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
34. I am the first president in US history to refuse United Nations elections inspectors access during the 2002 elections.
35. I am the all-time US (and world) record holder for the most corporate campaign donations.
36. The biggest lifetime contributor to my campaign, who is also one of my best friends, presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of EnronCorporation)
37. I spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in US history.
38. I am the first president to run and hide when the US came under attack (and then lied, saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1).
39. I am the first US president to establish a secret shadow government.
40. I took the world's sympathy for the US after 9/11, and in less than a year made the US the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in US and world history).
41. I am the first US president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
42. I changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
43. I set the all-time record for the number of administration appointees who violated US laws by not selling their huge investments in corporations that later made bids for gov. contracts.
44. I have removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in US history.
45. I have created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided that the US has been since the Civil War.
46. I entered office with the strongest economy in US history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.
47. I have at least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
48. I was AWOL from the National Guard and deserted the military during time of war. I refused to take a drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
49. All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records of any SEC investigation into my insider trading or bankrupted companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
50. All minutes of meetings of any public corporations for which I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.

3 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\I'm Sorry/\/\/\ [12 Apr 2005|09:39am]
[ mood | sore ]

I cut myself yesterday. I was so upset in general and then I fought with Jon and it made it even worse. I hate people I care about being mad at me...if there's one thing that depresses me, that's it. He got mad because I wouldn't tell him why I was quiet on the drive back from Knoxville and basically had the attitude of, "Well if you're not going to tell me right now, fuck it." I don't understand why people can't be patient with me. Am I that insufferable that people get fed up so easily?

He dropped me off and I came back to my room to find basically a suicide not from Rich on my computer and I just couldn't handle it all. I actually used 4 month-old blades that had rust and drug reside on them, practically guaranteeing scars where I cut. I told Jon I'd meet him in the darkroom and keep him company, so I grabbed the first long-sleeved thing on my floor and threw it on. Of course it was fleece, and of course the darkroom was over 70 degrees. I felt like I was being suffocated, so I took it off. I figured Jon wouldn't notice because it was so dark. I laid my head on my arms, too tired to work on anything. I didn't realize that the at the angle my arm fell, you could see the cuts.

Jon came over and was quiet for a minute, just looking at me. Suddenly I felt him grab my arm and yell, "What the fuck is this?!" I jerked my head up and he looked horribly angry. He dropped my arm and went over to start developing his film. He wouldn't even look at me. He started banging stuff around and swearing under his breath, reminding me of everyone who has ever abused me. I was so jumpy and terrified that he would come over and hit me, even though I know he would never do that. I couldn't stand it anymore and got up to leave and he ordered, "Stay. I want to talk to you." I paused and continued to get ready to leave. "Please?" I sat down and waited. And waited. And waited. He said nothing. I got up, got everything I had, and left. I sat outside for several minutes, just trying to ground myself.

I went back inside and we sat in silence for several minutes. Finally I said, "I thought you wanted to talk to me."

"I'm trying to deal with it."

While his film was drying we took a walk. I told him that if I told him what was bothering me, I'd have to leave. I told him, and he asked me to stay. We talked, things are okay, and it's the first time I've ever felt remorse for cutting myself.

"When it's my fault, it's like me taking a knife and cutting you. That's how it feels."

1 Got The Antidote| Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\12 Inches Away And You'll Never Know/\/\/\ [11 Apr 2005|11:16am]
[ mood | stressed ]

Should be doing a paper for Public Relations class. Am I? Course not.

Saturday night a bunch of us went out to goth night at Amne?ia. It was me, Emily, Megan, Kurtis with a K, Mike, and Jeremy in the trunk. It was a pretty good night for me...I stripped on stage down to my underwear and heels behind a red backlit screen to Marilyn Manson's cover of "Sweet Dreams". I also was pulled on board my friend JC's art/music project. I ran into him and one of his bandmates and according to them I said all the right keywords because I'm now photographing for their cd covers and inset.

JC amuses me. Whenever I talk to him, he is so direct about wanting me. I know we'll end up being friends, but for now he keeps saying that I'm the most stunning girl that goes there and that I could have any guy I wanted. It's a huge ego boost knowing that if I wanted to, I could completely take him by storm. He's transfixed by me apparently, telling me that I'm the only woman who's even intimidated him because I'm beautiful, artistic, and as intelligent as him if not more. If I didn't have such strong feelings for others at the moment, I would consider being with him...but I do, so I'm not.

I'm getting scared. I'm starting to cry at night. I don't want this unless you do.



And I have a feeling you don't.

Tell Me All You Know

/\/\/\Stole This From Megan Unabashedly/\/\/\ [09 Apr 2005|01:01pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) saw a shooting star
(x) been to any other countries besides the united states
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) been arrested
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(x) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(x) swore at your parents
(x) been in love
(x) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving
(x) broken a bone
(x) been high
(x) skinny-dipped
(x) skipped school (individual classes...)
(x) saw a therapist
(x) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches
(x) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour (with someone...)
(x) bitten someone
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(x) gotten the chicken pox
(x) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(x) kissed a member of the same sex
(x) crashed into a friend’s car
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
(x) been fired (laid off)
(x) had a crush on someone of the same sex
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
( ) been married
( ) gotten divorced
( ) had children
(x) seen someone die
( ) had a close friend die
( ) been to Africa
(x) driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) been to Canada
( ) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
(x) seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) thrown up in a bar
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
(x) been skiing/snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from the internet
( ) lost a child
(x) gone to college
( ) graduated college
(x) done hard drugs
(x) tried killing yourself
( ) fired a gun (BB guns don’t count)
(x) purposely hurt yourself
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

Tell Me All You Know

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